Who Talks Like That??

Shout out to Jason Mraz

This dude's sound is so dope and smooth, he could make it cool to wear a man purse. Single leather strap, convenient side pouch, and masculine embroidery all day son. I won't say anymore cause then that might actually be gay....
Just Listen:

Uh Lee Luh Luv
Nintendo Been Givin Me the Blista...

All Hail King James

Shout out to Revenge.

A fallen king has returned to claim his throne...and take a dump on all of the unworthy peasants who have relished in their meaningless hatred for far too long. Tonight Lebron came back to Cleavland, silenced his most noble haters, and thrusted his chalk ingrained seed among his former recluse in a fashion rarely seen among civil human society. And, while I still refuse to bandwagon Miami and it's hot latina residents to a final's appearance, tonight's performance surely deserves praise. Cav's fans can still suck it....

I'm Taking My Talents to Yo Ahhh
We Reminisce...

I Ate Too Much Gravy

Shout out to the Post-Thanksgiving Dump.

As I spread thine blessed buttcheeks over said glistening porcelain receptical, I begin to reminisce on the true essence of national turkey day. The savage rape of a native land and utter domination of the white man's magic boom sticks is overshadowed by the fact that at some point there was some corn shared and Thomas Irvansmithenwood banged the chief's daughter on the Mayflower after supper, creating an everlasting bond of "civility" between the fair and brownskinned.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Majorium Erectus!!!

Shout out to Real Life Hermione.

Emma Watson singlehandedly had a brutha severely aroused for the majority of last nights Harry Potter : Deathly Hollows midnight screening. And, while the theater ran bountiful in hot teen wannabees, flaunting delish mini skirts and striped ties, somehow Emma's simplistic hottness and humble stare of lustful desire still had a nigga fiendin for some magic, pun intended.

Leave Me Be

Shout out to All Hopelessness.

I slowly awoke this morning with sadness in my heart and depression personified making an attempt to overcome my mind. In other words...life sucks. No more questions. I don't wanna talk about it.

Face Sweater

Shout out to All Naturale.

It's no shave November so toss those clippers, shavers, all that. Let nature take it's course among your face, from stuble to vine, a transformation is taking place. So while the adolescent thrive among our post-puberty growth suffering, enjoy it we accept. For soon you'll have said cursed pubes, till then you are safe kept.

.....ahhhh poetry.

Whoah......

Shout out to Spoonie Luv.

A resident of Southside Yankersville and all around playa playa, Doctor Luv epitomizes the sexual deviance of a true romantic. Cascading his adorably thick man breasts across the screen, blanketed by a fashion forward leapard skin garb, Spoonie captivates us with his earnest words, spiced by the sensuality of a promiscuous whisper. But, homie is quite picky ladies....specifically a hot puppet honey with strong knees, C-section scar, and a badonkadonk butt. Them double horizontals need a good home....

Talent Wanted.....
Don't Use that BBQ Sauce!

Back to A Topic...

Shout out to J. Cole's "Friday Night Lights"

Bravo, Jermaine. Bravo. It is not often that hip hop, let alone a mixtape, can be so soulfully smooth and real, that it's almost given me wood halfway through the tracklist. Featuring the expansive list of boss producers including Kanye, Omen, and Syience, J's newly-released brain child blends the composition of today with the lost art of storytelling that once dominated the realm of dope rhyme spittas from yesteryear. So as your exclusive membership in the clubhouse of rap revitalization hits another tab on the bill, I congratulate thee sir. Radio niggas can still suck it though....

Don't Shop It, Just Cop It....

Livin for the Citaaaaay

Shout out to Urbanity.

Yes, it's a word. The accumulation of graffiti laced, crack-fiend inhabited, suit in the slum, fast-paced, pot-hole street life is where diversity truly exists. No where else will you see a supposed Buddhist monk on the corner preaching inner-peace, while also selling homemade pamphlets to satisfy his PCP addiction.....And, while it becomes habit to walk way faster than necessary (usually because a homeless man has been following you since 5th ave) it's a reminder that we're all either going somewhere....or nowhere.

What's not to love?
Santa Beats a Black Man
Look Both Ways
Beat His Ahhh!!

Encore! Encore!

Shout out to Revival.

If it wasn't for Jesus getting done dirty, sacrificing himself, then rising from the dead to say "eh bruh, aint no killin me", this would single handedly be the greatest return to ever satisfy the needs of a struggling humanity. Inspired by the relish of my former compositions and the necessary outlet that my brain child once was...the UnCoolest Nigga has returned, in all his dopeness. So without further adoodoo, I present to you the one, the only, anticlimactic comeback of GlobalStageHand....

The End is Near....

Peace & Love

Due to my lack of anticipation and urge to expand the spectrum of creativity which is GlobalStageHand......a nigga movin to Wordpress. An update will soon come to direct the transition but as of now, I'm done bruh. I'll peep yall on the other side and thanks to those that may follow in my footsteps of pointless observation. (Side shout out to Seinfeld for the inspiration.)

A Lifetime of Being a Toll Booth Operator....

Shout out to Boredom.

Under what circumstance does my mind come to the conclusion that current status is a necessary alleviation and that something dope needs to soon be transitioned to otherwise my brain will essentially field goal punt the ish out of me? Pretty much 24/7. I'm literally bored out of my mind typing this worthless assembly of words. If it weren't for Youtube and the occasional honey pretending I'm a pummel horse and she's a world class gymnast....I would ultimately spend every waking moment contemplating how else i could recklessly be wasting my time.

I Am the Future....

Shout out to the Intern.

Uhhhh, yah sure…I can go ahead and alleviate myself of all the post-secondary knowledge that I’ve been forcibly trained in over the past years and grab you a cup of coffee, bud. One or two sugars? And, by the way, the local drycleaners was closed, so I personally took your laundry down to the best shop I could find. The drive? Nah, 45 minutes out of the way is nothing. I was able to stop by and pick up those doughnuts for you on the way back, sir. Actually, can I have one of those?I had to work through lunch….

All I Want is More Recess.....

Shout out to Childhood.

Maaaaan, how I miss those innocent days of mom-guided fashion, daydreams of M&M's for dinner, lack of a significant educational grading system, and my skill of general time wasting.....I pray this bad boy be invented soon enough so that I may go back to cutting up dead frogs in the backyard, remaining eco-friendly by not showering daily, and having no idea of how strenuous females and their cooties would become in my very near future.....

Where's The Lotion...

Shout out to The 40 Year Old Virgin.

A staple in our generation of realistic comedies, this film captures the essence of how an extended lifetime of virginity can devolve a man what I call "a lame". Surely Steve Carrell's actual no-booty gettin experience up to the start of his fame inspired him so have such a spot on performance. His posse of dope niggas, including Seth Rogen, also explores the complexities that follow once a vaginal enterprise has been established. I'll let YouTube explain....

She was a hoe, For Shooo...

Nigga, fire off...

You Know How I Know You're Gay...

I Call You Son, Because You Shine Like One

Shout out to the Light Skinnded.

To all my fellow sunny lookin bruthas and sistas out there, let's take a moment to recognize our daily achievement in hater's resistance and applaud the obvious dopeness we possess with which we use to create envy within our negro community. And, as an added bonus, our assimilation amongst the whites permitted us to be them indoor slave niggas back in the day. Hmm, I wonder if that's natural selections way of keepin us out the sun and not lookin like a half burnt piece of charcoal.....intriguing.

Yes, we can write...

*Look how hard chick up top is mean muggin right now....lol

F@%$ I. N.ever A.ctually L.earned this S#%!

Shout out to Finals Week.

Oh how I loathe the accursed series of trivial evaluations, administered upon a fashion of absent regard for the fastidious minds of the wary. Frivolous quieres leave me pondering the significance of the erudition and the essence of it's counterpart afflictions. Damn thee! Alas, soon I will find relief in the employment of drink and hash. And, again.... I will be merry.

How Long is This Damn Path?

Shout out to Obscurity.

Essentially my most important virtue to follow day to day, blending in with the norm gives me not only a sense or worthlessness, but of inner gratification. Knowing that my 1980's style rebellious isolationist existance has had little to no significant impact on the unified series of events that we called Living clearly reflects the grief that I internally portray to myself as a mechanism of resolve. Bravo, young sir.

Knights On a Chess Board....

Shout out to The All City Chess Club.

Thanks, once again, to the constantly Daydreamin' mind of a Mr. Lupe Fiasco and friends, the nerds are at it again in collaboration for Lu's upcoming I'm Beaming Remix. The track is preparing to include a plethora of fresh meat mixed with some heavy hitters such as: Diggy Simmons, Wale, Asher Roth, J. Cole, B.O.B., Richard Hamilton, Blu, The Cool Kids, and of course, the smooth sounds of a sir Skateboard P......I think I need an Aspirin.

Bless You

Shout Out to Sneezing.

I think our bodies deserve some sort of positive recognition for having the natural ability to expel countless germs, lodged in the ooz that is mucas and saliva, at a very impressive 100+ MPH upon irittation. Not to mention, the fake sneeze/water spray to the back of a homeboy's neck always has a nigga madder than a swarm of honeybees on a hot afternoon in July....damn I been in Georgia too long.

Keeping the Viagra Market Alive.......

Shout out to Elderly Boning.

It's strange that as soon as I begin to cultivate a mental image of how these obscene acts could possibly even take place, it's as if my mind automatically activates my better judgment mode and whips on that parental block....thank you Brain. I've been told that women are better with age, much like a fine wine, but I don't think the same nigga would agree with that comparison once those grapes turn to raisins.....

*Warning, if you are old and you try to have sex, you'll probably die of a heartattack or something.....SO DON'T DO IT.

SB2010!!!

Shout out to Spring.

The fact that there is a natural occurence of season annually that not only influences those more-than-necessary flesh showing outfits the ladies bust out just to tease a niggas "i wanna touch" instincts, but also causes most young people to disregard all of societies standards on a beach somewhere in Cabo, leaving a trail of Miller Light cans, used condom rappers, and the ever so common swimsuit top laying discarded because Girls Gone Wild told its previous owner that her boobs could make her famous.....it amazes me.

OhledoAwayWithit

Shout out to One More Product of Yester Year.

I'm officially declaring radio {negro stations in particular} not only expendable, trivial, and remedial, but down right offensive to our already suffering modern culture. Glorifying the heralds of ignorance and it's iminent social deviants, music is at an all-time low. If it were'nt for the splendor on illegal downloads and our inborn sense of selective hearing, I might have already gone ahead and mercked myself with an isolated 24-hr Wacka Flocka jam session. Somebody please beat that niggas ass again.......

More Than A Game

Shout out to March Madness.

Narrated by the sounds of Dicky V. and overhyped, beligerant college students, the greatest spectacle of sports entertainment takes place each year in a tournament of champions; where the the blood, sweat, and tears are shadowed by the fact that some nigga just lost 50 bucks betting on a #1 seed that just lost to Northern Iowa of all places. S#@! man, sorry homie you aint gettin' ya money anytime soon.......

Uhh Uhh Girlfrieeend....

Shout out to Flambouyance.

Are you really that gay nigga? Damn, you like two more finger snaps from becoming a lady bruh. Aside from the mini skirt, permed extensions, and pre-teen giggle you got there, I'm safe to say my assumption is true; no need to prove a point you homo. And, wow. Check this chick out. She actually has the world SLUT tattooed cross them protruding showcase melons....Aside from the uber-mini skirt, designer prostitute wig, and whorish giggle, I'd already assume your were easier than a 3rd grade special ed spelling bee.....

*I know, the pictures kinda gross...

Relax and Take Notes

Shout out to the Notorious B.I.G.

Today marks the yearly anniversary of the the late Christopher Wallace, aka Biggie Smalls. Though the conflicts of his gangster lifestyle left him without the help of divine intervention, Biggie blessed us with an array of hardcore lyricism, effortless flow, and alternative appeal, defining a legacy in a shorter time span than most could create in a century. Much love, Big.

R.I.P. Christopher George Latore Wallace (May 21, 1972 – March 9, 1997)

From the beginning...

Middle

...And the End

Cleanin Out the Pipes.....

Shout out to Self-Gratification.

Though initially hesitant to the fact that I was indeed performing some semi-homo act of deflowering myself on a consistant basis, I've become accustomed to the idea that I just dont give a -->WHAT!<--. Proceeding events have clouded my judgment and left me in a daze of both satisfaction and shame. But, can you blame me? They say before you can love anyone else, you must first LOVE yourself right.....teehee.

*Shout out to those independent filmmakers such as the infamous Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton for your assistance in my endeavour....much love.

Your Stomach's Not Growling, It's Crying....

Shout out to A Bum's Paradise.

The buffet is what I call a good concept gone horribly wrong. Relieving human beings of any understanding of what is TOO MUCH, a smorgishborg (you like my wording there huh) of grease filled, artery clogging, diarrhea inducing entrees and deserts leaves one feeling temporarily satisfied until your extended toilet catastrophe earns you a trip straight to the emergency room. So, eat up. You'll need your strength for the fight against heart failure later on......

*Side shout out to the salad bar, which ain't doin shizzy but giving us another healthy option to decline....

At least you could make a music video...

...Televised too??

Who Dat? You Dat.

Shout out to Reggie Bush.

Nigga you the man. You've just helped lead them Saints boys to a much needed Super Bowl Championship for the recovering city of New Orleans. You've earned millions upon millions of dollars because of your natural African instincts to run fast. And, in the process you've laid consistent pipe to one of the most bangin chicks in the celebrity spectrum. Nuff said.

Inside Voices Please....

Shout out to Black People Being Loud.

To all you victims out there I sincerely apologize..... It's really not the majorities' fault. You see 1 in every 3 negroes are born with a genetic deficiency called Samuel l. Jackson syndrome. Causing both imbalances within the auditory lobes of the brain and disproportions of the vocal cords, this physical epidemic has brought embarrassment to the entire African American race for countless years, and will continue to do so for countless more.....May God save the children.

It's Called a MANgina

Shout out to Butch Lesbians.

Excuse me, is it okay if I call you "sir"? Cool. I just wanted to compliment you on those double baggy cargos you rockin there. They really accentuate your grotesquely wide hips and perfectly hide those pro linebacker calves. That clean shaven marine haircut lookin fresh too bruh. By the way, do you have any good recommendations for tattoos around here? That cute kitten there with the heart underneath reading, "I love the p%&#y" looks like nice work....Dude, no. I don't want to armwrestle.

Is that....a penis??

John Livingston's My Hero

Shout out to Birds.

The gift of flight truly is something I envy. With the sky as a limitless playground who needs Xbox 360....Yah, I'm sure nests aren't the most comfortable, and surely tornado season has to be a bitch, but you can fly bruh. Of course, beaks aren't that great and mom throws up dinner for you to eat each night, but bruh.......you can fly. I mean I understand the occasional redneck trying to shoot you down with a twelve guage every now and then is really an inconvienent pain in the feathered ass, but bruh, listen.....you can fly.

Posterboy writes a good book...

A Place For Learning...

Shout out to Whoever's Sitting Behind Me.

Dude, F#$! You. How sporatic is your leg twitch that you need to pretend field goal punt the back of my seat every five seconds bruh?? And nigga, breathe through your nose already. I have heavy winds gusting my neck hair relentlessly. The gum might help with that breath, but the "chew, chew, smack, smack" for an hour and fifteen is going to force me to "stab, stab" you after class. How many f$%@*% packs do you go through a week nigga......

Professor will handle this...

Why Are You Still On???

Shout out to Facebook Addicts.

Aside from the collection of useless, overly emotional status updates that constantly flood my "couldn't give a f%$!" eyes and the annoyingly random, cock-headed, self-taken profile pictures with uber queer descriptions, it's just become too much to bear. Couple words of advice: Kill Yoself......

*Not literally, but you get the picture...

I Love You, Like a Fat Kid Loves Cake

Shout out to Obesity.

Look, I completely sympathize with all you fattys out there. Eating is good. Who needs exercise when the very act of opening your mouth to engulf 3 or 4 mayonnaise sandwiches causes you to sweat uncontrollably ? Utlizize your artistic expression with poems of ham and decorate those bare walls with a couple dozen "diabetes-explosion" burger wrappers. And yo, wow convienent it to have a natural head rest built right into your neck? Who cares if you havn't seen your penis in nine years? Sex is surely an impossibility for you by now. Just take a seat and relax. Bruh, it's fine, we were gonna throw out that steel chair anyway.....

Samuel Understands...

Kids are the Future

Prisoner of Words

Shout out to Def Poetry Jam

Yet another progressive form of expression that WE, specifically, are able to embrace and enjoy....this joint has ultimately become one of my favorite things EVER. Each night a smooth cat by the name of Mos Def hosts a plethora of lyrical deviants, who, often to the surprise of their celebrity, never cease to please. With the power of words they attack the stage, using the essence of drama, comedy, emotion, and diction to sway the audience. I am always obliged to listen...My only fault is that the homie Nas never shut it down. Duece.

Tears for Water

Overshadowed by Fro....

Weddington Would Dig This

Keep On...

Taste the Rainbow

Shout out to Racial Stereotypes.

Alright, yah my penis is huge but is it right to automatically assume? I'm not gonna say white people can't dance just because I went to a club in Utah once it shut down after the first night. Yes, it helps explain why white girls are born with no ass, but I don't judge. Plus, how can all Asians know kung-fu when they're too busy studying all day? I know ninjas don't sleep, but we cannot all master the ancient Art of the Blade and still make it to our 6 AM advanced physics class on time. It's a shame the Hispanics ability to pile a family of 18 into a mini cooper constantly overshadows the social bond that they inherently share......One Love.

Wiki's Got You Covered...

*I, in no shape or form, mean to offend anyone. I'm black, so........

BFF (Best F%$#ing Friend)

Shout out to Friend's w/ Benefits.

What's a friendship without a non-spoken contractual agreement that regular cuddling and the occasional boning can occur without any threatening emotional attachment whatsoever, regardless of the human nature to associate sexual intimacy with feelings of security, care, and love? Now I get the Toy Story classic, "You've Got a Friend IN Me".....Whoah.

From the Ashes, We Will Rise

Shout out to Haiti.

The worst place on Earth just got alot worse....May our prayers be with you.

Today.....Nobody Cares

Shout out to Lupe Fiasco's I'm Beaming.

In response to a prolonged release of the projected genius that is another one of Lu's mixtapes, some nigga up and leaked what most would assume to be the first single off his upcoming album, Lasers. As usual, Lupe brings the heat like no other ghetto nerd could and defines the record over a smooth ass beat, courtesy of the Neptunes. But I can only replay this ish so many times in a day bruh, so make wit the quickness and give us niggas what we want.........Please.

Sneak a peak...

Or cop it here....

I (Heart) Robot

Shout out to Pixar's Wall-E.

Yoooo, this joint is nothing short of incredible, cute (no homo), and epic. Volleyed by a genius combination of uber-impressive, futuristic CGI and quirky storyline, this film has just vaulted itself within the list of greatest Disney films of all time. The next generation of children's animation officially has a new face.....or more like a pair of metallic eye sockets with humanoid bulbs and LED corneas. I'm out like space....

#8 On the List of America's Most Disgraceful...Vol. 2

Shout out to MTV's the Jersey Shore.

Where else are we able to watch 8 Guidos/Guidettes willingly live in a house, bring as much shame possible to the Italian stereotype, boost the annaul STD statistic, and still have time to maintain a decent spray on tan? Why I spend an hour each week shaking my head at countless moments of this cultural disgrace eludes me......

The Predecessor....

Guido form of intimacy.....

Congrats, You're Officially Black....

Shout out to White Women.

Once again you have conspired to ruin the honorable reputation of yet another famous negro. Genetically designed to be drawn by the softened, innocent complexion of blondie goldiggers and their double D cups, our brains will forever fall to your strong, erotic temptation. So, to my nigga Tiger, don't sulk.....For your record-setting mistress title is only the product of instinct, excecuted quite impressively might I add. Props to your golden pipe laying abilities.....

Return of the King......

Shout out to Any & Everything.

It's the beginning of a new decade so let's go ahead and give a quick hand for You and Me. As we once again reflect on those shallow annual resolutions, say eff that, slap yourself, and do something worth doing. Life is short, much like my attention span, so it's time to ride out. Again, I grace you with my perspective of this world, altered both by the influence of pop culture and "the urban gardener's product". So, sit back, relax and take a toke from that good good I call GlobalStageHand.....

In the Beginnning....

*Side shout out to '09