This is the Worst of Both Worlds

Shout out to The Pre-Teen Queen, Ms. Miley Cirus.

This chick is literally everywhere. From lunchboxes to Q-tips, and bicycles to oven mits. B#%! why are you famous? Yes, Hannah Montana successfully brainwashed 11 yr girls and young emerging homo boys into thinking you inspired them......but honestly, WTF. I don't know if it's your snagger teeth that aid in projecting your voice like an obnoxious flem clotted troll baby, but somethings just not sittin' well, ya dig? Unless you make like Kanye and run this next album over a synthesizer, wait at least 10 yrs till ya tatas come in then make a porno with Corbin Bleu.....

Nature's Practical Joke

Shout out to Tourette's aka The Crazies.

Human beings now have an excuse to proclaim explicatives violently in public and still be seated at a fancy restaurant. It's more of a privilege than anything. Plus, the ones with chicken-style neck jerking also get those conviently cozy neckbraces which add a unusual style to your Kmart brand graphic tees and hand-me-down cargos. And, since the parents are still letting you stay with them, surely mom will cook up a delicious feast for your 40th b-day. Ahhhh, this is the life. F#&!, Tits, S#*% Butthole!!!!

Meet Bob Saget's Biggest Fan.....

Laugh My Effing Anus Off

We Should All Hold Hands...But, Swine Flu is Going Around, So......

Shout out to Racial Differentiating.

Look, is it my fault I can't tell the difference between a Chinese kid and a Korean one? Can't I just leave it at "Asian" and call it a day? And yah, when all you white boys wear cargo shorts and flip flops 365 don't get mad when I don't remember who's name is Brad and which one is Dave. Now, I know my bias is going to stray heavily towards us negroes, but real talk, at least we have a plethora of shades. You know, the light skinned sunny bruthas like myself, mocha lotte, average boring brown color, the getting a little too dark for comfort, and finally the "strate outta Africa, night-time disappearing, charcoal resembling, supa smile" niggas...But, it's all L-O-V-E.

Mmmmm, this IS a tasty burger!!!

Shout out to Samuel L Jackson's Pulp Fiction Jheri Curl.

Bruh, that ish is awesome. Much love to Johnny T's semi-mullet as well. All in all this entire movie is pretty badass. The cult classic scrambled every aspect of the hardcore universe into a line slimmer than the one Uma did off a public bathroom sink. I mean violence, drugs, and fine women make a good movie regardless, but add the ultimate urban gunslingers rockin bloodied dress coats and personal head grooming abominations.....just hand em' their award now.

English MuthaF#%&!, Do You Speak It!!!

Uhhh, Yah That's My Penis, Sorry....

Shout out to Inconvienent Boners.

Why did that finest chick in class have to sit at the front of class on the day of my presentation? It's a little hard for people to focus on my Civil War speech when my bulge has taken center stage. Such cursed erection has again thwarted me unexpectedly and with no remorse might I add. Oh shizzy, and the anticipation keeps on building. If only I hadnt worn my slim fits today I could have already attempted the sly "tuck in the waistband" maneuver. Ah, well. Guess I'll just let homeboy ride out.....

These Pretzels Are Makin' Me Thirsty

Shout out to A Show About Nothing.

Yes, It's true. I'm black and I love Seinfeld. For some reason this show about nothing has me laughing at something every single time. Capturing the cues of everyday life in regards to anything thing that can and will go wrong, this show has it all. Quick wit mediator Jerry leads his crew of friends including the retro-hottie Elaine, ultimate failure George, and eccentric neighbor Kramer. Yes, we all know Michael Richards did go off on a racist tangent not too long ago but homie you are easily forgiven simply because you make me laugh.....

People, this is F#%$! funny...

...And for those of you that know and love.

In Death We Rise....

Shout out to Zombies.

In anticipation for the upcoming film Zombieland I guess I'll take the time to recognize the significance of the living dead. Aside from numerous succesfull films spotlighting human horrors of all types, the ultimate success of the zombie is undoubtadely aiding the late Michael Jackson in his creation of the greatest music video of all time. I mean I really had no idea that zombies could dance like that, it's incredible. I'm still a little confused though about the fact that, even though your dead, I can kill you by blowing your head off......

Rest in Peace, Unless of Course....Nah, I'll Skip the Pun.

Oh, I Hate Swag Surfin' By the Way....

Shout out to Collard Shirts.

What's the deal? Unlike buttons, zippers, or even drawstrings, collars have no apparent signficance other than being the standard for me to enter a dance club. Who's the guy that even decided to keep some extra flaps goin after a screw up with the sewing machine. You surely are brave my friend, for you initiated the fashion revolution of the white boy clothing avatar and a sequence of negroes failing to emulate such style with sizes three times over.....

Golden Showers Bring Spring Flowers

Shout out to Urination.

Ahhhhh. On the list of "best feelings ever" I'm gonna have to go head and rate taking the perfect piss at a close second, only surpassed by the cousin known as busting a load. Especially those drunken pee's; you know, the ones that last like two freakin' minutes and in the ecstasy of intoxication bring us back to reality. Oh blessed relief, how I enjoy the rythmic sounds of your tinkle.....

Sorry Ladies, but this one's for the Fellas...

You Got a Friend in Me

Shout out to the Polar Bear.

Yes, the white knight of the teddy kingdom is my favorite species aside from humans and let me tell you why. Aight, so when I was an infant right my parents got me this stuffed Coca-Cola polar bear that I slept with every single night. Now for some reason I held onto that bad boy for somewhere around fourteen or fifteen yrs and any night i'm home we have a warm snuggle before I fall asleep {Super No Homo}. Anyway, since it usually happens to be the last thing I see before falling asleep, homie often finds his way into my dreams in all the strangest ways. From fighting crime together to saving chicks who we eventually bang (definately don't ask me how this works), we buddies for life both in reality and whatever other spectrum dreams are considered. So, much love to my no-named stuffed best friend, ride or die........

#3 On the List of America's Most Disgraceful

Nega-Shout out to the Fox News Channel.

Breaking News: "We hate niggers. Oh...wait, wait we hate Mexicans too don't forget that. It's so friggin awesome that we live in America and if you don't, you suck! We're like the coolest buncha white guys around so don't mess with us. See how Mr. Beck fake cries everytime he tells the story about how white Jesus created America; what a sensitive, nice guy he is. And wise old Bill-O will take on any negro that wants to hop in the spin zone. That Snoop Doggy fellow sure doesn't wanna mess with him. Hey Hannity, it's so cool that you didn't vote for Obama cause then we would have to kick you off the air like we did your buddy Colmes. So suck it all you unbiased news channels out there. We got enough money from our homie Bush to last us at least twenty or thirty liberal free years...Long live white man's America!"

Our plan is almost complete!!!

"Hey Girl, Are You Up? 'Cause I Am...."

Shout out to Morning Wood.

Uhhh, yah I'm not gonna say much about my 8 A.M. boner other than it's great for that wake up vag banging that we all know and love. Scientists might have some fancy explenation for why my Anaconda is a morning person, but I give credit to my Lord Jesus for giving Man the power to overthrow right off the jump......

I Have a Suggestion.....Secession

Shout out to America's Worst State, Wyoming.

You just suck OK....why are you even here? All your residents, all your pet cows, all that freakin grass....SUCKS. Until the boredom of Political Science class brought me so close to unconsciousness that lazily skimming across a map of the country to stay awake was my only option....bruh I had literally forgotten you even existed. Don't even be mad either. There's a reason your name begins with "wy". Only reason you were even created was because they needed a place to film Gone With the Wind. I mean I'm not even gonna lie Wyoming, if you were a person I would just beat ya' ass on the spot because you deserve it.......

Less is More....than Unecessary

Shout out to The Bum Who Invented the Unicycle.

Nigga how lazy are you. Dude tried to build a bike, sucked, and just said "F#@! it". Then his idiot cousin discovered the remaining wheel in the basement, screwed on the seat, and one of the most pointless inventions ever was created. I mean really, what's the point. I just saw a kid struggling to ride one of these across campus and, after falling off three times, realized that walking is like eight times faster. It's like somebody who rides one of these has intentionally chosen to inconvenience themselves and surely make their balls as sore as a swift kick. Thanks but no thanks. Oh, and for those of you who are actually good at this thing, get the hell outta here.......

Thank You

It's the Circle of Freakin Life....

Shout out to The Lion King.

Ima just say it 'cause I know everyone is already thinkin it.....THIS IS THE GREATEST ANIMATED FILM OF ALL TIME. Frontrunner of Disney's Golden Era formally known as the Disney Renaissance {check it}, this classic exemplifies every single thing a kids' movie should. I mean lions personifying the essence of love, friendship, and bravery in the face of that badass uncle trying to take over the friggin kingdom....it's just awesome. Each and every character became of staple of excellence among the animated world. Not to mention the countless subliminals; From Timon and Pumba's Hakuna Mutata, which is surely what animals sing when they're high on that good herb. To the surely racist baboon dude who was like a bum version of Bob Marley living in a hut made from his own feces. And, of course the secret jungle lovin' my boy Simba got made it a happy ending. I could go on for days, but instead lets all just take the time away and pop this bad boy into the VCR stat.......

Or just watch it illegaly on YouTube...

One Word: FAIL

Shout out to Those Band Kids.

You know the ones that are like a sporadic cult of awkward talent, generic fashion sense, and 90's cartoon obsessors. That one kid who's kinda cool enough to socialize amongst the normies really because it's cool to diversify, the "gotta be homo" co-leader who be workin that tuba with a little too much tongue, that nigga who does actually get girls but they super fugly and in the band to so it don't count, another that has embraced his universal nerdiness to the fullest, and the one who is really somewhat talented but is too into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to be considered a reasonable human being........

Side shout out the Homie that actually knows these niggas and to the actual niggas for not takin this the wrong way lol.

Wrong,but I did it anyway.

#5 On the List of America's Most Disgraceful

Shout out to the Douche of the Year.

Look Kanye, we know you're really good at being an A-hole bruh, it's cool on occasion. But nigga come on, you takin it a little too far this time. For those of you who may have been under a rock the other night, Mr. West had yet another chance to shine at the VMA's. The incident involving award winner Taylor Swift left the crowd both shocked and angry as the night continued without him. Though my honey Beyonce surely deserved the award, and elegantly redeemed Swift by the end of the night, Ye ultimately crossed the line on this one. You still my nigga tho.....

His greatest moment yet...I cannot stop laughing.

Midnight Subliminals

Shout out to Dreams.

Talking polar bears, a deformed midget Nigerian, cop cars dragging old women behind them, a hat store for gigantic heads, my family has left me, and now I'm falling. Yah, I've had this one more than once. Nuff said....

Baby Dog > Baby Human

Shout out to Puppies.

Does it get any better people? If these living gift baskets of warmth, innocence, and love don't make you happier than Kanye West in a mirror shop, you deserved to be kicked in both kneecaps......and I'll be glad to do it. There literally is no quicker way to get the honey's either beside a sack of cash or a couple ecstasy pills at the bottom of their Heineken. To frollic for a lifetime in an open field of daisies beside my brigade of young Shih Tzus would be heaven {NO HOMO}. I mean come on, when you can't even get mad cleaning their poo, that's somethin special......

Side Shout out to God on this one....appreciate it homie.

Awwwwww

I Believe I Can Fly

Shout out to The Greatest of All Time.

There really isn't much that I can say about Micheal Jordan that hasn't already been said countless times. Anyone who truly knows basketball understands that there will never be anyone like Mike EVER. Side Shout out to Kobe for makin' it close in his own respect, but homie....MJ dunn dunn it all. Today he was inducted into the Hall of Fame, formally rewarded as arguablly the greatest athlete of all time, much less our generation. Much love goes out to my childhood idol; I appreciate you holdin' it down for us in the Chi and bringing all those champs home. You are the greatest......

Let's bring back the short-shorts....

First Rule of Fight Club

Shout out to the UFC.

Lord have mercy. Senseless violence like this hasn't been legal since before the Civil Rights movement. A modern day battle of the gladiators tosses two universally trained powerhouses into the Octagon for only one to remain with both front teeth intact. As the proposed lesser of the two, my only resolve is to enjoy full HD carnage in the safety of my dorm room. Though the UFC has ultimately tossed society back to the primal age of cavemen, the only way I will stop watching is when someones head actually falls off......

*Side Shout out to former Fear Factor host Joe Rogan and his overlly dramatic commentary. My fav line, "Fear may not be a factor, but you just got knocked the F$%# out!"

With No Regard For Human Life

Shout out to the 90's Los Angeles Lakers.

You brought me an a**hole Goliath lookin' beast of a center and a newly hatched Black Mamba with a fro that defined the laws of fashion and society in general. Easily my second favorite squad to win multiple titles in such glorious fashion, them Bad Boys were the reason I devolped such a sweet jumper with which I school niggas to this day.....

Together we remenisce

Dont Forget to Rewind

Shout out to Time Machines.

Can I just go Back to the Future already? I mean come on. What is taking so long? Them hoverboards look like too much fun to even be legal in this century. Plus, everybody knows chrome is my favorite color. And, oh...oh, if a negro could go back in time and spit game at Pocahontas....bruh she would certainly coin the phrase, "Once you go black......John Smith who??" I've already started workin' on my English accent by watching Pirates of the Caribbean a few more times. Ok, now I know this all sounds a bit premature, but when Best Buy starts sellin' these puppies I guarantee you I will be the first to pre-order......

My Uh-Dee-Dus

Shout out to them Old Pair of Kicks.

Props to those classic sneakers that have survived the test of time in the back of the closet somewhere. As we remenisce on all the bomb outfits these bad boys topped off, we realize why they never were thrown out. Oh size 13 Nikes with the torn rubber sole, grass stains,and frayed shoe laces.....thank you. Thank you for the warmth, protection, and keepin ya boys feet ever so fresh Monday thru Friday....

See What My Boys Really Looked Like

Hip Hop is Dead and Buried

Shout out to Nas' debut album, Illmatic.

Noted as arguably the greatest rap album of all time, this record thrust the Queensbridge native onto the map quicker than Megan Fox would get it from me in the bedroom. His unmatched style of hardcore delivery and top level lyricism initiated Nas' legacy and his title as THE top rapper in the game. Thanks to this classic album I have yet another reason to stop listening to the radio......

Explore the Genius

#8 On the List of America's Most Disgraceful

Shout out to MTV's The Real World.

Where else are we able to watch 7 strangers, picked to live in a house, act like complete douche's, talk mad s*** about each other, then end their quarrels with some final unexpected threesome between the slut, annoying b****, and wannabe rocker. Why I spend an hour each week loving every moment of this artificial drama eludes me......

The Dump Collector

Shoutout to the dude that invented The Can.

After releasing the remains of what was initially Wok' About's chicken and fried rice, I began to reflect on the covienence which is the Toilet. The infinite sacrifice it makes throughout it's hollow existence surely deserves gratitude......